Nuts!
by Pepperstasia Beaverhausen
Summary: A story in which Mulder and Scully step into a Rave on accident, and Xena shows up and stuff.


NUTS!

author: gillianinchains & pachooie-chomp!  
rating: R spoilers: might could, never know categories: humor, poss. MSR (who knows), crossovers on a lot of fictional characters authors' notes & the disclaimer: NO! NO!!! They don't belong to us. Property of C.C. & co. - haven't you got this yet?!? Stop tormenting us! Shit! Any-hoo,  
practically nothing in this story is ours. No rights to anyone in this, esp. our friends. Good ups to Webster's dictionary for providing us with words. Words are our friend. Hopefully this will tide you guys over for a bit; YOU VORACIOUS FIENDS! With that, on with the show.

Saturday Evening Highway 40 -- Somewhere along the Patomic

"...we ain't, goin' nowhere, we ain't goin' nowhere; we'll ne-ver stop now, 'cause we're bad boys for life..."  
Special Agent Dana Scully rolled her eyes. Who the hell would consciously name theirself "P. Diddy?" She glanced over at her colleague, Special Agent Fox Mulder. He was, at present, driving and alternately bopping his head at the song's infectious groove. It was either this song or the "Space Ghost" album that Mulder had been listening to earlier, and the "Highway 40" song that never ceased to make him laugh, but wore on Scully after the twentieth time. She had to admit he looked rather cute in his shades, an air of pimpness surrounding his persona.  
"Are we there yet, Mulder?" Scully asked, breaking their silence and his Roxbury groove.  
He pointed to a distant glow ahead on her side of the street, "Hey, what's that? Let's check it out,  
Scully!"  
"Do I even have a choice?"  
"Not really?"  
"Okay then, let's go."  
Mulder swung a right onto a little dirt road consisting of no more than two worn tire tracks.  
"Mulder, are you sure this is a road?"  
"This appears to be heading in more or less the right direction."  
The dirst tracks lead into the woods and down a slope. Scully and Mulder were jostled violently around from the many ruts and the unevenness of the tracks. Scully, one hand on the ceiling of the car and one foot on the dash for support and balance,  
glares over at Mulder.  
"This is probably some farmer's tractor trail leading to some cow pasture, " Scully complained.  
"Well, wherever it leads, there's no doubt the light is originating up ahead," said Mulder and glanced over at Scully. That's when he noticed her foot bracing the dash and that her skirt had ridden up, revealing most of Scully's leg.  
"Fine, but if Farmer Bob is waiting for us at the end of the trail with a sawed-off shot gun to shoot us for tresspassing, you're going to be the one explaining this to him."  
Mulder wasn't paying attention to what she said. He was distracted by her leg.  
"Mulder!" Scully yelled and he looked up in time to see they had reached the end of the trail and he was heading right for a parked car. He slammed on the brakes and they skidded to a stop, inches from the car's bumper.  
They both get out of the car and notice there were several parked cars in the area and a footpath lined with Tiki torches leading deeper into the woods.  
"What. The. Hell...?" Mulder said in disbelief. This was not what he was expecting.  
A forced, tight smile crossed Scully's face, "Well,  
you did want to 'check it out'," she said politely.  
Of course, Mulder wasn't about to admit that maybe he was wrong this time, so he motioned for them to move onward down the trail. As they moved further in, the sound of music was more apparent, and sounds of laughter began to fill the air.  
"Mulder, this sounds like a party," Scully said apprehensively.  
"...And?" Mulder shot back, "Is this any worse than that seminar we were supposed to be at hours ago?"  
"No, but we were invited to that, and we most definetly weren't invited to this one." Scully continued warily, "Besides, it's assuredly not a U.F.O."  
"Maybe we should stay and check things out," Mulder suggested.  
"Are you saying we should crash this party, Mulder?"  
"Beats the hell out of that boring seminar, doncha think?" He waggled his eyebrows at her suggestively.  
"Alright Mulder, I'm game if you are."  
At the end of the trail was an entrance to a cave and they broke out the ever-present flashlights and went inside.  
"...one, two, three; chug!"  
"...Mongoose! I'm a giant mongoose!"  
"...hey dude, where'd Mary go? She likes the bathroom, sometimes. And where's my only cigarette?..."  
"This must be some party," Mulder chuckled.  
The snippets of conversation prepared them for nothing of the cave they had just walked into. It was massive, littered with bonfires encased in trash cans and about a few hundred or so people, most in their early to mid-twenties, and a D.J. in the center was spinning a familiar hip-hop tune.  
"...we ain't, goin' nowhere..."  
Mulder's face broke into a wide grin and Scully immediately rolled her eyes, "When will I escape this song?"  
One of the living corpses staring dazedly at nothing,  
rolled his eyes lazily and fixed his gaze on Mulder and Scully.  
"I see old people," he whispered, then giggled like mad at his own joke. A couple, making out near him, paused a moment and the guy looked up and spotted the two agents.  
"Whoa, busted."  
A slight smirk crossed Dana Scully's face. "Should we play with them a little?" she whispered to Mulder mischeviously. He grinned at her then turned back and gave his best poker face.  
"Who's responsible for this?" he demanded in an authority voice.  
One red-headed girl wearing low rise jeans that showed off her blue, red and pink butterfly tatoo, and a light blue three-quarter sleeve polo shirt with the words, "Life's a garden, Dig it" written accross the front in dark blue lettering, sneered at them and said sarcastically, "Who are you? The cops?"  
Scully and Mulder flashed their badges (they *love*  
doing that.  
"FBI" Suclly stated.  
Suddenly, a boy with a Beatles-haircut that the red-head was with scrambled to his feet. He was wearing a 70's polyester button down shirt and tight blue jeans with flares.  
"Uh, look, " he stated in panic, "We, uh, just found all this stuff here. Someone else musta left the drugs!"  
Mulder cracked up laughing and waved a hand at him dismissively. "Relax. We're just messing with you! We were headed to some dull seminar and saw your light was on and thought we'd drop by."  
"So, you're not busting us?"  
"Please," Scully said in disgust, "We have much better things to do than bust a bunch of kids doing the same shit I used to do, and hope to do again real soon."  
The red-head girl smiled at them in approval, "Hey,  
alright. You two wanna party with us?" She offered up a joint.  
"Thought you'd never ask!" Mulder said eagerly.  
"Wow, Topher, this is off-the-hook, huh?" the red-head stated to her boyfriend, "Are you guys real agents?" she asked Scully as she passed the J.  
"Special Agent Dana Scully," Scully laughed, "This is my partner, Fox Mulder. And you are...?"  
The red-head blushed and giggled a bit, "Sorry, my name's Pepper and this is my boyfriend, Topher. You must understand, though, it's not everyday I go to a phat party and end up kickin' it with Feds, you know? Do you guys want some drinks?"  
"Lead the way, Pepper," Mulder agreed.  
They made their way through a sea of people, Pepper and Topher alternately high-fiving every other person,  
to a tall guy with short brown hair, green eyes, and a mustache-goatee combo that was popular with the younger crowd.  
"Hey Barry, wazzup!" Pepper greeted.  
"I'm fine. Do you want to touch my finger puppet? Pepper-Ann, do you want to touch my finger puppet? His name's Earl," Barry said in a hilarious monotone,  
holding up his right index finger, which had a piece of scrap paper with a smiley face on the front. It seemed to be held on his finger with scotch tape. He then turned his attentions to Scully when Pepper,  
obviously very stoned, could do nothing but laugh,  
"Hi, I'm Barry. You a friend of Pepper-Ann's? You somewhat resemble Pepper-Ann. Do you want to touch Earl?"  
Scully petted it complacently. "Hi Earl, my name is Dana," she said to the puppet, "This is my friend,  
Fox." She looked up at Barry, "And you must be Barry," she smiled at him; he *was* kind of disarming.  
"Earl thinks you're very pretty like Pepper-Ann. He thinks you should do a body shot with me," Barry said.  
Avoiding looking at Mulder, she totally missed the flash of jealousy in his eyes. "How do I do a body shot with you?" Scully asked.  
Barry pulled out a bottle of tequilla, a shot glass,  
and a shaker of salt. "Well, first, I lick your neck,  
" he did just that, causing her to giggle. Mulder fumed. "...then, I shake salt on that side, 'causing it to stick; now, this part could go either way, but I will take the shot," he did just so, and then kissed her, transferring the alcohol from his mouth to hers,  
then licked the salt from her neck. He then licked his hand and poured salt onto it, and offered it up to her, "And that's how you do a body shot. More or less."  
Scully nodded, "I think I get the gist of it." She smiled flirtatously at Barry, "But maybe I should try it again. To be sure." She took the salt shaker from Barry. "Now let me get this straight. First I lick your neck," she leaned in and did just that. Mulder folded his arms across his chest. "Then I put salt on it..." Barry pulled her a shot while she did that. She slammed the shot down and kissed him, then licked his neck. Mulder scowled. "Now I lick my hand..." "No, let me do it!" Barry ran his tongue over the back of her hand. She giggled. "And lastly, pour salt on it," she did and he sucked it off. Mulder turned away in disgust. She raised an eyebrow at Barry, "Did I get it right?"  
Barry nodded and held up his finger, "Earl says you learn fast. But there are variations you can work in."  
Sully turned to Mulder and saw him pouting. "What's wrong with you?"  
"Not a thing," he huffed.  
Pepper and Topher looked at him with 'yeah, right'  
looks on their faces, then got a bright idea.  
"Hey Angel-ina!" Pepper yelled at a rather gorgeous amazonian girl with dark brown hair and a cat-like presence, "Hey girl, come do a body shot with us!"  
She turned and smiled in recognition. "Is that ta-kill-ya?!?" she asked exuberantly, "Oh, girl,  
that's my drink!"  
"Girl, I am for real!" Pepper giggled, then leaned into Mulder, "I got back-up ammo for you, dude," she whispered conspiratorially, noticing Scully was still flirting with Barry. Topher smiled sheepishly at him,  
shrugging his shoulders as if to say it was beyond his control. "Hey, you should do a body shot with Fox! Fox, this is Angelina, one of my main homegirls. Angelina, this is Fox and his partner, Dana. They're Feds who crashed our party."  
"Are they gonna bust us?" she asked apprehensively.  
"They would've done that two joints ago if that was the case," Topher reassured, "I think they just came to party."  
"Alright Federal Fox," Angleina laughed, "Let's get it on."  
Mulder nodded, then positioned Angelina and himself in Scully's eye-line so she'd have to notice and smiled smugly. He was facing Scully's direction and looked to be sure she was watching him. So he tried to be as flirtatious with Angelina as he could be,  
turning on all the charm as he took a body shot off her. He glanced over at Scully when he finished and was pleased to note she had a rather annoyed look on her face.  
"Damnit!" she muttered in frustration.  
Thinking he had enacted his revenge, Mulder smiled and said, "Problem?"  
Scully nodded, "Yeah, it's that damn' song again!"  
Mulder then noticed the music had restarted.  
"...we ain't, goin' nowhere..."  
"What is with that song?" Scully complained.  
Just then the actual P. Diddy, followed by a few of his hoes and a small entourage, cut through their circle, "...'cause we're bad boys for life..."  
The D.J. cut in over the P.A. "Sorry, I must've hit repeat. Here's one by Fat Boy Slim. A little 'Rockefeller Skank' anyone?"  
"PARTEEE!" Barry yelled sporadically. "Snowflake Dana, care to daunce?" he asked jauntily, dipping Scully.  
One flirtatious giggle later and Mulder found himself partnerless. He immediately grew mopey. "What does *he* have that I don't?" he muttered.  
"Sorry dude, we tried helping you out," Topher said consolingly, "Girls just can't escape the magic that is Barry, is all."  
"Hey Fox, if it's any consolation at all, I think you look way hot," Angelina said, "If I swung that way,  
I'd be all over you like white on rice."  
"You're a lesbian?" Mulder squeaked.  
Pepper and Angelina's eyes narrowed, "Is there a problem?" they asked menacingly.  
Mulder raised his hands defensively, "Not at all. I'm just not used to hanging out with them is all."  
"Are you adverse with doing keg-stands with a lesbo and her girlfriend?" Angelina asked.  
"Not at all."  
"Let's do this. Topher, Pepper?"  
"We're there, dude."  
Meanwhile, Scully and Barry were busy dancing and flirting. Scully, as it turns out, is an excellent dancer. She had no problems keeping up with the hyper-dance moves Barry was executing.  
"Hey, Earl says you're an awesome dancer!" Barry held up "Earl" and said.  
Scully giggled, "Thanks, Earl. You're not so bad yourself." She took the bottle of tequilla he was still holding and took a shot straight from the bottle, then passed it back again, all without breaking the rhythm. He did the same. The song ended, they whooped and screamed until the next song came on.  
"Earl wants to know if you want to do another body shot?" Barry asked mischieviously. Scully grabbed "Earl".;  
"Actually, I'd rather do one with Barry," she leaned in to say. She didn't know what it was about Barry,  
but the more she was with him, and the more she drank,  
the more into him she was. She reasoned in her half-plowed mind that she was just enjoying herself,  
set free by the atmosphere and the alcohol and the crazy antics of Barry. They did another body shot, and Scully felt so good she thought nothing could bring her down. She wondered vaguely if Mulder was having as good a time as she was. That's when she realized she hadn't seen him in a while.  
"Where the hell did Mulder go?" she wondered aloud.  
Erstwhile, in a distant corner of the cave, Mulder had just finished his fifth keg stand with Pepper,  
Angelina, her girl Kate, Topher and their "posse": Nicole, a hyperactive and gorgeous brunette; her boyfriend Kevin, an angsty artist type; Mel, a tall and willowy punk girl; her boy, Robbie, who Pepper had introduced as one of the Kings of Weed; Hammer, a giant bald guy who freelanced as a bouncer; and Maurin, an adorable blonde girl with an obsession with rubber duckies. He was feeling pretty good, and with the help of the posse, started owning up to his feelings about Scully. They were congregating in a circle around a giant clown bong.  
"Quack, quack! Peace pipe," Maurin offered to him.  
"So she got caught up in the magic of Barry, huh?" Nicole asked. "Tough."  
"What *is* it about that guy?" Mulder grumbled, "I've loved her for years..." he hit the bong grumpily.  
"Did you tell her about that?" Kevin asked.  
"No, but..."  
"See, Barry just met her and he's already told her she looks good. That's why girls like him," Pepper offered.  
"Yeah, I remember," Topher's eyes narrowed.  
"Hey, I told you it was just a sex thing! I didn't even *know* you then..."  
Mulder cut her off before and argument became imminent, "So, you guys are saying I should be more straightforward, or something?" he slurred.  
"Yeah, dude," Nicole nodded, "want this?" she offered him a blunt.  
"Sure."  
In the other corner, Scully and Barry were busy getting high themselves.  
"So, how long you know that Mulder?" Barry asked her.  
"Oh,..." Scully tried to do the math in her head, but it was too much to try and concentrate, "...years."  
"And you two? You're not together?" Barry asked hopefully.  
Scully shook her head and Barry smiled, nodded to himself and put an arm around her. She happily cuddled up to him and sighed.  
"So, um, not to pry or anything, but is he gay or something? I'm just curious," he added quickly,  
"'Cause I find it hard that he could be around someone as hot, and awesome, as you and not try anything."  
Scully blushed. "Mulder? Nah, he's not gay,  
he's...Mulder," she explained with a shrug.  
"Hey Barry, who's the babe?" an older, stoned hippie staggered towards them in greeting.  
"Chong! Do you want to pet my finger puppet? His name's Earl," Barry offered up his finger.  
"No, not Earl, who's *she*, man?"  
"Chong, meet Dana. She's an FBI agent, and quite the hottie," Barry winked. "What's the news on the partying'  
Chong did not hear him. "FBI? Are you crazy man? Don't shoot!" he laughed, holding up his hands.  
"Don't worry, she's cool!" Barry said, "Pixie dust. Look, watch this." He held up a joint to Scully's mouth, who giggled and took a deep draw off of it,  
held it in for a beat, then blew it in Chong's face. "See, told ya. So where's Cheech?"  
"Playing a game of quarters with some candy ravers. Winner gets a lid of acid. You wanna join in?"  
"Do I?"

*****

Scully's not exactly sure how, but she ended up winning the lid of acid. She had happily accepted it and now its effects started to hit her. She watched the firelight change colors and create shadows on the wall and the shadows jump off the wall and dance around in the crowd. The crowd was still hollering and screaming and all the noise seemed to blend together into one high-pitched yelp.  
"Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-Yeeah!" And suddenly Xena, Warrior Princess sprang from the fire in a triple summersalt and landed in front of Scully.  
"Cool," Scully giggled. Then groaned as the music got suddenly very loud, and she clearly heard: "...we ain't, goin' nowhere..."  
"No! No! No! NO!!" Scully raged, covering her ears in protest.  
Xena brandished her chakram.  
"Don't you worry, I'll take care of this for you,"  
Xena said, that evil gleam in her eye.  
"Battle on, Xena," Scully said as Xena leaped off the ground and flipped above the heads of the crowd and disappeared from view.  
Barry caught up to Scully then.  
"Dana! There you went!"  
Scully turned and stumbled to Barry who caught her.  
"Whoa. Me thinks you need some air."  
Barry led Scully out of the cave. She turned around and hugged Barry.  
"Thank you, you saved me from the music!" she said,  
then giggled, "You're my hero!"  
Barry leaned in to take advantage of her closeness with a kiss when suddenly a roaring of motorcycles was heard as a bunch of Harley's made their way down the trail and stopped in front of the cave.  
Scully giggled and started singing, "My boyfriend's back and you're gonna be in trouble..."

****

Two Hours Earlier

"Hey dude, we got a plan!" Topher said to Mulder. He had left earlier, but now he was back and with an army of bikers. "Fox, uh, sorry, I forgot your last name dude, but these are our friends, The Hell's Angels. Meet Spider, Otto, Harley Whore, Crusher, Cycle Slut,  
Boozer, and...Tim. Guys, this is the guy."  
The leader, Otto, scratched his chin, "How long have you known this chick, man?"  
"Seven years."  
"And you never made a move? Are you gay, dude?"  
Harley Whore questioned.  
"No! We're professionals, and we work together. I think. Man, I'm wasted," Mulder slurred.  
"We're here to help him get the gonads to make the move," Pepper explained to the "Angels", "That's why we're in this story in the first place. Duh."  
"So what's the plan?" Mulder asked, spilling half his beer bong down the front of his shirt.  
"Well..." (whisper, whisper, nudge, whisper, chuckle)

A surly looking biker chick approached Scully and Barry on her bike, stopping short and spraying dirt onto their shoes, "You Dana?"  
"I think," Scully answered.  
"Hey Cycle Slut, whazzup!" Barry greeted.  
"If it isn't Barry Manilow," Cycle Slut laughed,  
"How's it hangin'?"  
Scully looked at him in horror, "Your name is Barry *Manilow*?"  
"Yeah."  
Cycle Slut motioned her to get on and Scully quickly complied. "I have to...um...go away now," she said, getting on the bike.  
"Snowflake? Is it the name? EVERYBODY ALWAYS LEAVES BECAUSE OF THE NAME! WHY!" Barry cried after Scully,  
who had already made him eat her dust.  
Cycle Slut brought her to a makeshift throne at the end of the drive, where Pepper, Topher, Nicole,  
Maurin, and Cheech were waiting for her. "Your perch, m'lady," Topher said, taking her hand and sitting her at the 'seat of honor', "Blunt?"  
"Thanks," Scully said, accepting the offering, "What the...?"  
The surprise, it turns out, was a heart shaped Harley formation with Mulder perched at the center, wasted fully and clutching a bottle of Bass, "Boys (and ladies), hit it!"  
"I like Big Butts and I cannot lie!" (SCREETCH)  
"What the fuck, man!" Mulder chastised, teetering off balance.  
"Sorry," Spider blushed, "I was jammin' earlier. Hold up."  
The engines gunned and Scully doubled over in laughter as Mulder came towards her on the Harley-heart, singing along to Van Halen's "Why Can't this be Love?"  
"It's got what it takes, so tell me why, can't this be love, it's comin' straight from the heart, oh..."  
"...OH SH--!" he yelled as he slipped and tumbled from the bike. The other bikers had to quickly swerve to avoid him and soon he was lost in a cloud of dust.  
Scully watched him fall in horror, her face ashen. When the bikers had cleared, she sprang down into the cloud of dust.  
"Mulder!" she yelled. She couldn't see anything from the dust. "You're so stupid, Mulder!" Scully burts out angerily, "If that fall didn't kill you, I will,"  
she muttered.  
The dust began to settled and she saw Mulder face down laying spread-eagle on the ground. She sprinted over to him and turned him over. To her relief, he began to cough, indicating he was indeed alive.  
"How many fingers am I holding up?" Scully asked anxiously when he opened his eyes.  
"Yes, thank you," he mumbled and sat up, rubbing his head. Then he doubled over laughing. "Man am I wasted!"  
"Mulder! What the hell did you think you were doing standing on those bikes like that?" Scully demanded.  
"I was, uh, tryng to send you a message."  
"Like what? That you're a moron? I got that message loud and clear."  
"No!" Mulder pouted, "I wanted to tell you something."  
"What?" Scully asked, curious.  
"I...." Mulder looked into her blue-green eyes and lost his nerve, "I, uh, wanted to do a body shot with you."  
"You dragged me out here to ask me that?" Scully asked, slightly amused. Mulder just nodded, kicking himself for not saying the truth. Scully giggled,  
"Okay, Mulder, I'm game."  
"Here dudes!" Tim the biker handed them a bottle of tequilla, shot glass and a salt shaker. Then the bikers rode off.  
"Where'd he get that stuff?" Scully wondered aloud.  
"Who cares? It's not important to the story," Mulder said.  
"Oh, O.K." Scully agreed. "Who goes first?" she asked.  
"Oh, allow me," Mulder said, wrapping an arm around her waist and licking her neck.  
Maurin's rubber duck popped into Mulder's vision over Scully's shoulder, "Did you tell her that you're butt-crazy over her then, chap?" it quacked in a British accent.  
"I'm working on it!" he snapped at the duck. At this, Scully gasped and Maurin laughed with aplomb.  
"You *still* didn't get it through to her? Snails move faster than you, boy!" Maurin laughed, "Hey NICOLE! ALL THAT AND HE STILL DIDN'T TELL HER!"  
Nicole, piloting Kevin's back, threw up a rock-lock sign, "Retard!"  
"You're butt-crazy for me then,eh?" Scully said slyly, after Maurin ran off, declaring him hopeless.  
"Been tryin' to tell you all night. Barry got me jealous. Do you like him better than me?" Mulder slurred, blushing and looking away.  
Surprising the bejeezus out of him, she took his hand and forced him to look at her, "Mulder, I don't think you have to worry about me becoming 'Mrs. Barry Manilow' just yet."  
He guffawed, "Barry *Manilow*? His last name is *Manilow*?"  
"Shut up and kiss me, Mulder."  
The chuckling automatically ceased and he leaned in for the kill. Ah, heaven. That first kiss was almost like a declaration. A declaration to let loose and have fun; to give into the finer things in life. It was also giving him a stiffy.  
"Keg stands! C'mon, quit suckin' face!" Nicole said,  
"Our work is done; let's PARTY!"  
Scully giggled and stood up, grabbing Mulder's hand to drag him to his feet. "Come on!" she laughed.  
"Now?" Mulder protested.  
"You heard what they said! Keg stands! We did come here to party after all!" Scully said as she headed off with Maurin.  
"Thanks a lot!" Mulder said sarcastically to Nicole.  
"Hey, just here to help!" Nicole smiled, "At least you *finally* told her how you felt." Nicole skipped off to join the others.  
Mulder kicked a rock angrily, "So close!", then sighed and went to join the rest. 'I've waited seven years, I can wait a few more hours,' he told himself.  
*an hour later*  
Scully and Mulder, completely wasted, are busy laughing and dancing with each other. Mulder was particularily glad about the physical contact with Scully. The song ended and Mulder leaned in to kiss her again.  
"...we ain't, goin' nowhere..."  
Scully pulled away in disgust at the song. Her eyes narrowed. "All right! That's it!" Scully stomped over to the D.J. who backed away in fear. The music suddenly stopped and dead silence ensued as she yanked the CD out and tossed it like a frisbee straight at the wall where it shattered into a million pieces. "Thank you," she sighed in relief. She turned to the the D.J. "You. Play," she ordered, then walked over to Mulder, "You. Kiss." He was only too happy to obey.  
Mid-tonsil-hockey, she was tapped on the shoulder by a girl wearing a tiny t-shirt that read "Bonequesha"and a short ass-showing pair of Daisy Dukes. "Excuse us," she said as the rest of P.  
Diddy's hoes lined up to get through, "...we ain't,  
goin' nowhere, 'cause we're bad boys for life..." they rapped as P. Diddy made his way through. Scully,  
pissed off that is *still* was not gone, grabbed P.  
Diddy by the scruff of his shirt.  
"What the fuck?! You aren't bad! I could squash you like a bug, and I'm half your size! Oh, and by the way, what the fuck kind of name is P. Diddy? It sounds like a bathroom code?!"  
"Shorty, chill out, chill out..." P. Diddy pleaded.  
"Shorty? SHORTY?! ALALALALALA!" Scully emitted her Xena battle-cry, and soon the Warrior Princess was at her side. "Little help?" she asked Xena.  
"Told ya I would," Xena agreed, then did a spinny-back kick thingy (complete with battle cry) and P. Diddy and his whole entourage were on the ground.  
"Thanks, Xena," Mulder and Scully said in unison.  
"Battle on, you guys," Xena said, jumping up and out of sight.  
The party raged on and soon Scully and Mulder passed out in each other's arms. They don't know how long they slept, but the cave was bathed in bright sunlight when they lazily opened their eyes. They sat up slowly, each holding a hand to their hung-over,  
throbbing heads, and looked around in puzzlement.  
The cave was littered with empty botttles and a few empty fire barrels, but devoid of any humans they could see.  
"Whoa...What the fuck happened last night?" Mulder asked.  
"Don't shout!" Scully rubbed her temples, "We went to 'investigate' a party, remember?"  
"Yeah, I do. But was it all real, or were we drugged?"  
"I'd have to say drugged. There's no way all that could have happened." She giggled at the memory.  
"Yeah, you're right," Mulder agreed, then shifted. "OW! What the hell?!" he reached underneath him to find out what he had sat on. He pulled out an intricately carved large metal ring blade.  
"That's a chakram!" Scully said in disbelief.  
"Thanks, I was wondering where that went."  
They looked up in surprise to see Xena emerge from the shadodws of an alcove, buckling up her armor as if she was finishing putting it on. She took the blade from Mulder as they both stared in shocked silence.  
"Hey Xena! Warrior Babe! Where'd ya go? Huh?" Barry emerged from the the same alcove, shirt unbuttoned. Xena blushed slightly.  
"I told you to wait in the alcove," she said angrily over her shoulder.  
"So, um, can I call you sometime?"  
"I don't even know your last name."  
"It's Manilow," Mulder offered helpfully, remembering how Barry had been hanging all over Scully the previous night.  
"Manilow?" Xena narrowed her eyes. "Your name...is Barry Manilow?"  
He nodded sadly.  
"Hee-Ya!" Xena gave an angry cry and back-handsprung her way out of the cave.  
"Why does everybody ALWAYS leave because of the name?!" Barry yelled. "It's just a damn name! I didn't pick it out! It's not my fault my parents have a warped obsession..."  
Mulder and Scully exchanged wry glances.  
"Let's go," Scully said. They stood up, dusted themselves off, and headed out, leaving Barry alone in the middle of his rant.  
"...Why? WHY?!..."

END 


End file.
